Showing posts from 2006

PROSE: The One

This goes out to the Universe and to anyone, I come from a dimension other than this, a place of love where there are no hurts or or distress. I was, am a being of light with nothing but my hand and my heart to offer you in times of plight. I know I've been down and self-burdened a lot but all I want is for life to give me some comfort and to enjoy the little things and the only family I got. I feel alone in this world, and misunderstood, and I seem to have lost the one who I always knew could, make me smile, and make me feel important. All I want is for someone to understand who I am to accept me for that, and not to be selfish but for me to be their focus. I don't have much in physical means to offer, but I have all the love in my heart, that I will always be there no matter what. I want happiness for myself and my children, to be good dad and raise them in a God loving home. I wanted my soul mate to raise them with me, but perhaps I should have not asked for her, because the

Shock to the System aka Job from Hell

I've started on my second week of my new job at FedEx, I don't know what I was thinking signing up there other than the $11 an hour on my mind, and I wanted people to be proud of me that I finally got out an got work, but I'm close to saying screw them. Everyone I talked to beforehand said the job was really hard and didn't recommend I do it if I am not used to the labor. But I did it anyway. I've lost 5 pounds in the past 3-4 days, probably mostly sweat. They have me working on 4 trucks bouncing back and forth at the same time, and all the belts / chutes trucks are all backed up like crazy, and most of the time I am by myself when I thought I was supposed to have someone work with me, but the dock manager took all the guys down to other trucks that were too busy. So Monday I ended up with chest pains into my hands, my mouth, head began hurting, I got dizzy and almost passed out twice. Kept loosing my footing. By 8 Pm I could barely lift anything my arms wouldn'

Poetry: Letting Go

I want to be the one to stroke your hair to touch your face but I can no longer be that one to wipe your tears in this time and place. I want to be there to pick you up to end your pain to keep you warm through the coldest rain but I just seem to cause you more harm that I cannot explain I must let you go to fix your dreams I must let you go to heal this sting that my selfish words have caused and my ignorance brings I must let you go to heal your heart I must let you go to set you free or it will tear us apart and I don't believe that is to be I must let you go so I can grow and find my strength and perhaps I will find a greater purpose behind all this angst I feel like I am losing my closest friend so I must let you go before that ends. I can not destroy you or myself, but must be apart so we can mend. So I must let go and move on to save me and you. even though the future is not certain I must trust myself and

Enough Deep Stuff

We just finished up our Deep Tissue massage training at school, and I have what I think is my hardest theory test so far coming up on Tuesday, on the nervous system, which even the best in the class are nervous about their grade. I have studied and been working on it for 2 weeks and everything is still so foreign to me, lately not much has been soaking into my brain, and you think with the amount of notes and repitition something would be memorized by now. Well I know a few things, like neurons and glia are nerve cells, and nerve pain is neuralgia, but other than that I think I'm screwed this time. I'll try to keep a positive outlook and find time to study this weekend. I got an 81% on my clinical practical exam, just about everyone else got a 90% or above which really frustrates me having the lowest grade in the class when I thought I was doing so well. A major problem was I had to work on the arm and I was absent that day, as well as being nervous and out of sync that day

Life stinks right now

Current mood: aggravated I'm sitting up late again with trouble sleeping, and an upset stomach, probably stress. I'll be home all day tomorrow, missing out on a day of school because Carrie has a required important meeting, so I guess I'll take the kids somewhere for a little, and probably take them into school to check if I have any work to pick up. I really shouldn't miss the gym that much, or at least try to compensate by walking, that really wiped me out today, but I wasn't in the best of moods when I went in. I just found out the only good friend I had from high school just moved to CA without even letting me know when I was just about to go see him, heck I was even thinking about possibly going up this weekend, as I never got to see his baby or meet his wife. So much for getting back in touch with somebody. So that leaves me with one good friend, my wife, who is one day h

Fell at the Fairy Festival

I took my kids to the Fairy Festival south of York today with my mom and grandma. I enjoyed myself for awhile, but my kids did all the fun stuff within the first 20 minutes of being there, and were left with not much left to entertain. While all the fairies and neat costumes were something to look at, eventually you just kept walking in a circle around nothing but people selling stuff, so I was disappointed that it seems to have turned into just a big commercial thing, instead of what I think it was intended for. It was hot and my mom's boyfriend just kept staring at all the young girl's boobs, not that I didn't notice somethings myself, maybe that's why I fell down. Toward the end there I stepped on this old loose piece of cement, lost my footing and fell hard down on my ass in front of everyone, cutting my right leg up pretty good in the process, bleeding and stinging in the hot sun. The kids got tired and cranky so I ended up carrying around my 4 year old on my ba


3 days in a freaking row now I have had migraines, and no fun trying to study for my next big test. The circulatory system, respiratory system, muscles that work on the forearm and wrists and muscles of the face, is that enough crap or what? I started a blog too, will see if it helps me connect to people better, already got two people contact me within an hour of getting it online, an old neighbor from Lake Meade and an old friend Bob Ricci who does song parodies like Weird Al, Carrie thinks his voice is too whiny though but he's funny. You can go to myspace on the links to the right if you care. Still struggling each day with personal issues, and lately my son has been pooping himself everyday, maybe I should just go work in a nursing home, since cleaning up crap seems to be an everyday occurance, we need to get the poor guy to the doctor, he starts school at the end of summer. Nothing much else new to report lately. It's very nice outside. I could use some money,

Rainy Day

It's been non stop cold dreary rain since I woke up this morning. Such a strange way to end a pretty nice week of weather, hopefully tomorrow is nicer, as I promised to take the kids out to do something. I've just been trying to study and catch up, these muscles just keep getting bigger names and harder. I finally got to work out at the gym after a week or so since my daughters have been sick with colds- I can really tell my arm muscles getting firmer. I tried a harder cardio workout, and couldn't finish all my excercises, that wiped me out good, but at least I know I got a good workout. Been still feeling bleh lately, I talk to people but still having trouble, and defintely hard to keep a good mood, supposedly after depression its supposed to get better? But does it really or most people just have an easier time at covering it up than I do? I'll try to enjoy some time with my kids tomorrow. Here's a ColdPlay song that sums up my feelings at the moment. What if

Spring is here again :)

It's been awhile since I posted as I have not had too much to write about lately. I am glad Spring weather is finally kicking in, it seemed the cold air just wasn't going to end. I have missed the gym this week but I did get some walks in. Our instructor at school has been taking us outside to walk as well which is refreshing. I seem to be allergic to something in the school, or things in general lately stuffing me up, and causing sinus pressure. ::bleh:: I need to schedule a doctor appointment as soon as I have money for the copay. I have a lovely list of things to get checked out. Bad knees: My knees have been hurting worse since working out, or doing my clinics and standing in my massage posture, they crack horribly giving massage at times, and bending down on them has been painful. Possible allergies: sniffles, runny nose, headaches in class Eyes: My vision sometimes goes blurry during class when trying to read the board, then some eyepain kicks in. Social anxiety: been suf

Stage 4

4. Depression. We start to feel numb and turn into zombies. Our anger and sadness may still be there but remains hidden and masquerades as a depressed state. We barricade ourselves in our home or apartment, close the drapes, and refuse to get out of bed. We call in sick at work and cancel plans with friends. We only answer the phone in hopes that it may be 'them' calling, and when we discover it's not them the cycle begins all over again. In order to break the cycle you need to reach Stage 5. Stages that I have been going through pretty exact. That sums up my state right now. I'm bored, don't know what to do with myself, just as quiet as I was before I was healed, have I regressed or is it just similar? How long will this last. For me the depression lasted for years between relationship. Hopefully the spring cheers me up - this winter is taking too long. I just hope this depression

I need to get out.

Sometimes weekends with the kids can stress me out. I'd very much enjoy being anywhere tonite hanging out, maybe drinking a beer and just watching hot young girls at a bowling alley or something. Nah, I'd be happy enough just driving around with a friend. It's so lonely here on weekends with just the kids, reminds me of how lonely and empty inside I was for years, and just leaves me time to sit around and think how much my life stinks right now, builds up anxiety. I need release, hopefully I get a massage on Tuesday and that will help me calm down. I danced a bit in the kitchen tonite alone, I know I can dance even if it probably looks goofy and akward, but always had inhibitions about doing it in front of other people, I don't mind in front of my kids because they don't judge, or I don't care what they think, but maybe I should just see grown ups the same way, they don't judge and maybe I shouldn't just give a crap about what they think and maybe they

Dream: Return of MIBs

I'll be heading out today to start over my orientation at the gym, since apparently my last orientation was too much, and I could not even massage 3 days afterwards. The cats are fixed now and Binky follows poor Nemo around 24/7, never seen a cat so needy for another one, especially since only days before she would hiss and batt at him everytime he wanted to play, but what do you expect, shes a girl. I've been home a couple days now and Carrie seems much happier, because of the last dream I had I suppose, and for allowing whatever relationship she desires. Proof that its all in the head, nothing technically has changed, still living in the same house, sleeping in the same bed, but she's happier so I guess that's what matters. I had one dream after falling asleep where she was standing beside the bed and asked "Why aren't you talking to me, are you mad at me?" I said "I'm not mad, it's just your happy and I'm not, so good for you, now I&

DREAM: Visit from Great-grandma

Dream and inspiration from Wednesday night (woke from Thursday morning) I am writing this dream down to the best of my memory, and allowing spirit to come through me and give me the rest. I am sure there is more here than what was in the dream but the basic message of it is intact. During the past week I was on trial separation from Carrie so that she would see what it would be like without me there, and hopefully come to a conclusion about what she wanted. Although at first I did not want to leave, a week of self reflection probably did better for me, despite the living arrangement wasn't the best, waking up to smoke every morning. As long as I kept myself occupied or talking to my grandmother or family I seemed ok, but as soon as I was alone I became sad, would pace back and forth, couldn't sleep well, would sit and stare out windows, during those times I thought about what I would do if she chose to just be friends and if I could deal with that. Scenarios constantly ran thro


I got home from my first day of orientation at the gym around 2. The only phrase I had running through my head afterwards was DEAR LORD!!! Oh My God that sucked! The trainer seemed a little concerned for me afterwards it really kicked my ass. So we sat and talked awhile about massage, life, etc. I sent my body into shock and it was like what the hell are you doing to me? I was fine for the first exercises except by the time I was done with them all my arms were felt like they were floating. Then my final exercise was this walking / stepping machine in which it felt like you were walking backwards. I did ok for about 3 minutes, then I started getting dizzy, sweating non stop, losing footing- the guy beside me asked if I was ok, just nodded and kept going. I got to 6 minutes and felt like I was going to have a panic attack, my right leg cramped up the muscle got as hard as a rock, the leg I hit bowling last night, then my arms began giving out as I saw my heart rate hit 170, the ro

The Storm Came

I guess I will make a small update before bed here at 12:30 at night. It came suddenly but today I started a one week trial separation from my wife and kids, and will be spending this week between my grandmother's and mom's houses. I just got back from bowling, got a few strikes here and there, best I could do with my awkardness and my sore arm from getting it pinched hard in my daughters closet today. Which out of pain and anger I back kicked it out of my way but instead of shutting it just put a hole in the door to which it scared my 4 year old Ariel bad and she began crying hysterically. Which it started me with a panic attack, had not had one in a LONG time, but I guess I knew it was building up to one eventually, all the signs shown me something was coming, only thing is I was able to stop it right away but it was my ultimate decision that something had to change. I will not write about the core of the issue here as out of respect for myself and my wife it does not need to

A Storm is Coming?

Yesterday I had one of the worst migraines I have had in a long time, the pain got so bad at one point I thought I was going to pass out until I asked for help from spirit, and then I tossed my lunch and some of the major pain subsided. It must be something still out of alighnment in my neck. I got an 83% on my first test for the muscular system, I at least hoped for an 80, as I studied more for this test than any of the others I got A's on. I've been hearing that those who choose to take tutoring are given advanced knowledge of what is going to be on the test which I find to be unfair / unethical, since we were not allowed to know which muscles would be on the test but those who were tutored did know, so its not fair that I had to study over 20 muscles for hours, when they knew exactly which ones to remember for the test after only 1 hour of tutorials, every other school I ever went to considered that cheating to know the test before taking it. It may just be my personal o

DREAM: Pulling Teeth and Wasps

Yesterday I came home from school early because Carrie caught a stomach virus, probably the same one Katie and I had last week, poor Carrie looked miserable ;( She is feeling better this morning though, that's good because I have to study and have my test tomorrow. I had a dream last night in which I experienced pain. I was at a hospital in the first part of my dream trying to find Carrie, as I was told she was still recovering in a room. My jaw started to hurt and a doctor noticed my pain, the doctor was George Clooney. He asked me to open my mouth to have a look and he said "Ah you have an abcessed tooth, I can take that out for you right now." So he numbed my jaw up and then pulled out the tooth which was quite disturbing as he struggled at it, and I could hear it cracking then there was a lot of blood. The next part of the dream I was at home, and it was Spring. The kids said mom was outside getting a wasp nest off the porch; and she wanted help. I said I was

It's Here ;)

Friday the new furniture arrived and is looking good. Everyone was happy and excited. Although Jacob has been a little too excited lately. He ran around Rutter's last night like an idiot when it was packed and spilled some poor lady's coffee. He's up playing at his friend's house this morning so that gives me some time to put some pictures on my blog. Then I gotta get back to cleaning up the kitchen and other things like studying. I have probably the hardest test yet coming up Thursday and need to memorize origins, insertions and actions of muscles, sounds fun eh? I had a weird dream last night of everything coming alive and chasing people, and me, trees, fences, pets, toys. The mutant sunflowers almost got me though as I made my way up over a fence. I was attempting to fly but they pulled onto my legs, so I turned my right hand into a knife and hacked away at them. But once I got home nothing could get in. Well here are the pictures. Enjoy.

Am I a Twee Twit?

My brother claims to have found my doppleganger. Here's an interesting photo: My brother sent this to me, this guy looks almost just like me - when I used to have a full beard and the description fits me a little bit as well. I listen to some indie-rock and have been with the same girl for 8 years and can cry easy ;) Original Link Here " Something Awful " Identification Like a baby bird who has fallen from the nest, a twee twit is simply too soft and gentle for this world. He cannot abide bright colors or harsh materials, so he is usually swaddled in soft, pastel sweaters and corduroy pants. He might have a beard, because shaving is far too scary, and stubble is like sandpaper against his delicate features. He is mumbly and soft-spoken, but he doesn’t mind being unintelligible; he wouldn’t want to impose upon you unduly by putting forward an idea. He’s a cat person. He’s almost too much of a feminist to tolerate the act of sexual intercourse. He’s had the same girlfriend

Intestinal Blues

I've been recovering from an intensinal flu for the past two days and still have a headache from it. I caught it from my daughter who probably got it from swimming at an indoor heated pool in Harrisburg. Hot and cold sweats all night, in fact I'm starting to sweat now sitting here - now I know what a menopausal woman feels like. I got my JVC MP3/WMA CD player installed today, thanks to Carrie for buying it, its pretty cool. I had to drive out in the sticks down a muddy rocky road that tossed my poor irritable bowels around, past several rednecks houses that said KEEP OUT or ELSE! but the guys were nice and got it done in about 30 minutes. Tomorrow I go back to school and I think we practice deep tissue on the gluteals again, although no one better touch my rear unless they want germs. Hopefully I feel better tomorrow, if I don't I'll just have to suffer through it because I can't miss anymore school, I don't need kicked out when I'm getting straight A'

DREAM: A new start?

I could not sleep last night, but eventually passed out around 6am. I have been struggling for some time over issues with my marriage, and just when I felt strongly again it was getting better. All signs pointed to it spiritually and emotionally. One dream I awoke from around 3am when Carrie woke me to show me the snow outside I am pretty sure was a past life experience with her, in which I died, its flashbacks I have had before. The Dream Carrie was somewhat royalty or from a well to do family, upper class, in a European country, the year I saw was around the 1400s, I saw the number 1490 floating in my vision. I was lower class, I am not sure what my profession was but I was among people and teaching them, perhaps I was clergy of some sort. Carrie would stray from the norm of high class life and come out among the people and help them, often bringing baskets of food, clothing, money to the less fortunate, and she seemed to not judge those who were looked at as beggars or 'bane to

The new couch may be more comfier than the bed ;)

Now if Carrie ever asks me to sleep on the couch I might take her up on it. She got the full amount for her tax return in only a matter of hours from sending it in. So we are happy that we will be getting some nice new furniture for the living room. I was cautious about the color at first, but with the warranty and stainguards that's all covered, the stuff should be here by the 24th. Tomorrow the kids and I are going swimming at a health club, that should be pleasant, my nice white hairy body glistening in doors in February. Last night I did not get much sleep, it was one of those nights where it felt like information was being downloaded into my head, on top of that I sware it felt like someone else was in the room, a female entity. There was a smell of perfume that was quite strong, and it is not noticeable now or when I went to bed. So I wonder who it was. About a week ago I had similar thing happen except I was hearing strange tones and music coming out of nowhere. I jus

Tax Return Season

Carrie and I are looking forward to what we hope she will get a nice tax return this year. We have plans for some new furniture which we need badly, our couch looks like hell. She also wants to get me my own used car so I'll be able to travel around and visit friends I don't have or go to school while she has the other one. We have not started directly into deep tissue massage yet, it seems it keeps getting put off, but we get more practice at Swedish. I got probably the best back massage I've ever had today, thanks to Alli ;) I told her I was going to throw her into the trunk of my car, and she could live in my closest, and she could massage me for food. Yet I still got a killer headache after class so I must still have something out of whack or bad body mechanics. I really hope I figure that out soon. If we get a decent refund maybe Carrie will let me get a chiropractic adjustment. I don't have much else to write at the moment and I think Carrie is waiting for

Happy Birthday Ariel - I like the new hair ;)

Tomorrow Ariel will be 4 years old, but instead she looks younger. While I was at school yesterday, Ariel found some kid scissors in an art set and cut off big chunks of her wavy hair, which Carrie had to fix. I did not make a big deal out of it since we had all the scissors we knew about put away up high, so kids always seem to find stuff. Well besides that life altering event. I finished up my swedish full body course this week and start into Deep Tissue Massage already without a break in between. I am still not perfect on the full body yet but I still have straight A's - I got a 91 yesterday on my massage theory test, went out to lunch with all the girls from class and said goodbye to our swedish instructor. Jim is a nice guy and was a good instructor. I have a mild headache this morning, but the other day I had a whopper - Carrie climbed on my back risking my life or at least my mobility and popped some vertebrae and then pulled my neck into traction, though it was scary, it

Welcome to the Jungle

Here is my latest scene, a jungle scene. Just finished this last night. I think it turned out pretty good ;) Now to catch up on me since I have not posted in a couple days. I had my practical hands on exam for Swedish massage last week and got a 90% which is still an A average. There are some things I need to improve on yet, thats maintaining contact, making sure I communicate everything to the client. I need to see a chiropractor soon. All this massage has aggrivated something in my back, pinching a nerve and causing some nasty headaches and pain down my left arm and shoulders. So I hope I can get that taken care of soon so it does not interfere with my schooling. We start in deep tissue next week with a new instructor. We've actually had her before, I like her because she's into some of the spiritual / energy work type things. Ariel turns 4 years old at the end of the week. She wants a 'hitting thing' (pinata) for her birthday, so I will try to get her one of t

Dream : Corrupt Christian Minister

I was invited to this new christian church by one of the members, called God of our Fathers. When I went there the man from the pulpit in head of the church was at times a very manipulative / angry type person but most of the audience were smitten by his personality, charisma and teaching that they could not believe he could do any wrong. I had some how found out this man was using moneys from the tithing / donations for his own personal gains, and he came to me in secret and said if I planned on attending the meetings, I needed to pay my tithing or I would be cast out from among the true saints. After questioning him and providing evidence of his dishonesty he became very angry and stood at the pulpit trying to deface my name and get the other members to cast me out. I then had several people angry and forcing me out of the building but little did they know I had already contact the proper authorities, who at the same time came walking into the church showing their badges and took

Woohoo I have a 95.7 grade average ;)

Well I was worried about my latest test for two weeks because I could not remember jack squat about the landmarks on the skeletal system, even a few days before the test I got a 54 percent on our second landmark quiz. So before my test I did some positive mental reinforcement and "created my day" so to speak. I just kept telling myself I will do good on the test and I will pass it. I ended up getting a 99%, and would have gotten a 100 if I hadn't did something dumb on two of the questions, mistakes anyone could make. So I guess sometime in the hours before the test, the information finally absorbed in., I also was in a much better mood because my wife Carrie has been really good to me lately, so I don't care how 'co-dependent' it may sound, but she makes me a better person. My son Jacob has a birthday coming up this weekend, he will be 5 years old already, and he has a nice big transformer coming his way, the only present he will be getting since he just ha