Showing posts from March, 2006

Stage 4

4. Depression. We start to feel numb and turn into zombies. Our anger and sadness may still be there but remains hidden and masquerades as a depressed state. We barricade ourselves in our home or apartment, close the drapes, and refuse to get out of bed. We call in sick at work and cancel plans with friends. We only answer the phone in hopes that it may be 'them' calling, and when we discover it's not them the cycle begins all over again. In order to break the cycle you need to reach Stage 5. Stages that I have been going through pretty exact. That sums up my state right now. I'm bored, don't know what to do with myself, just as quiet as I was before I was healed, have I regressed or is it just similar? How long will this last. For me the depression lasted for years between relationship. Hopefully the spring cheers me up - this winter is taking too long. I just hope this depression

I need to get out.

Sometimes weekends with the kids can stress me out. I'd very much enjoy being anywhere tonite hanging out, maybe drinking a beer and just watching hot young girls at a bowling alley or something. Nah, I'd be happy enough just driving around with a friend. It's so lonely here on weekends with just the kids, reminds me of how lonely and empty inside I was for years, and just leaves me time to sit around and think how much my life stinks right now, builds up anxiety. I need release, hopefully I get a massage on Tuesday and that will help me calm down. I danced a bit in the kitchen tonite alone, I know I can dance even if it probably looks goofy and akward, but always had inhibitions about doing it in front of other people, I don't mind in front of my kids because they don't judge, or I don't care what they think, but maybe I should just see grown ups the same way, they don't judge and maybe I shouldn't just give a crap about what they think and maybe they

Dream: Return of MIBs

I'll be heading out today to start over my orientation at the gym, since apparently my last orientation was too much, and I could not even massage 3 days afterwards. The cats are fixed now and Binky follows poor Nemo around 24/7, never seen a cat so needy for another one, especially since only days before she would hiss and batt at him everytime he wanted to play, but what do you expect, shes a girl. I've been home a couple days now and Carrie seems much happier, because of the last dream I had I suppose, and for allowing whatever relationship she desires. Proof that its all in the head, nothing technically has changed, still living in the same house, sleeping in the same bed, but she's happier so I guess that's what matters. I had one dream after falling asleep where she was standing beside the bed and asked "Why aren't you talking to me, are you mad at me?" I said "I'm not mad, it's just your happy and I'm not, so good for you, now I&

DREAM: Visit from Great-grandma

Dream and inspiration from Wednesday night (woke from Thursday morning) I am writing this dream down to the best of my memory, and allowing spirit to come through me and give me the rest. I am sure there is more here than what was in the dream but the basic message of it is intact. During the past week I was on trial separation from Carrie so that she would see what it would be like without me there, and hopefully come to a conclusion about what she wanted. Although at first I did not want to leave, a week of self reflection probably did better for me, despite the living arrangement wasn't the best, waking up to smoke every morning. As long as I kept myself occupied or talking to my grandmother or family I seemed ok, but as soon as I was alone I became sad, would pace back and forth, couldn't sleep well, would sit and stare out windows, during those times I thought about what I would do if she chose to just be friends and if I could deal with that. Scenarios constantly ran thro


I got home from my first day of orientation at the gym around 2. The only phrase I had running through my head afterwards was DEAR LORD!!! Oh My God that sucked! The trainer seemed a little concerned for me afterwards it really kicked my ass. So we sat and talked awhile about massage, life, etc. I sent my body into shock and it was like what the hell are you doing to me? I was fine for the first exercises except by the time I was done with them all my arms were felt like they were floating. Then my final exercise was this walking / stepping machine in which it felt like you were walking backwards. I did ok for about 3 minutes, then I started getting dizzy, sweating non stop, losing footing- the guy beside me asked if I was ok, just nodded and kept going. I got to 6 minutes and felt like I was going to have a panic attack, my right leg cramped up the muscle got as hard as a rock, the leg I hit bowling last night, then my arms began giving out as I saw my heart rate hit 170, the ro

The Storm Came

I guess I will make a small update before bed here at 12:30 at night. It came suddenly but today I started a one week trial separation from my wife and kids, and will be spending this week between my grandmother's and mom's houses. I just got back from bowling, got a few strikes here and there, best I could do with my awkardness and my sore arm from getting it pinched hard in my daughters closet today. Which out of pain and anger I back kicked it out of my way but instead of shutting it just put a hole in the door to which it scared my 4 year old Ariel bad and she began crying hysterically. Which it started me with a panic attack, had not had one in a LONG time, but I guess I knew it was building up to one eventually, all the signs shown me something was coming, only thing is I was able to stop it right away but it was my ultimate decision that something had to change. I will not write about the core of the issue here as out of respect for myself and my wife it does not need to