The Storm Came

I guess I will make a small update before bed here at 12:30 at night. It came suddenly but today I started a one week trial separation from my wife and kids, and will be spending this week between my grandmother's and mom's houses.

I just got back from bowling, got a few strikes here and there, best I could do with my awkardness and my sore arm from getting it pinched hard in my daughters closet today. Which out of pain and anger I back kicked it out of my way but instead of shutting it just put a hole in the door to which it scared my 4 year old Ariel bad and she began crying hysterically. Which it started me with a panic attack, had not had one in a LONG time, but I guess I knew it was building up to one eventually, all the signs shown me something was coming, only thing is I was able to stop it right away but it was my ultimate decision that something had to change.

I will not write about the core of the issue here as out of respect for myself and my wife it does not need to be known to third parties.

I dreamed last week of me driving away from the house and my wife and kids were waving goodbye to me, only to have it eeriely and almost exactly happen today as I drove off, I maintained my composure til I got to the end of the road and then just broke down and balled uncontrollably having to pull off to the side of the road until I settled down, I did my best not to let my kids see it. I was hurting to have to leave my kids, hurting to see that my wife was very little affected by it, not crying at all when I see her cry at the drop of a hat watching 'home makeover' on TV.. and it hurt so deep to not even see one tear shed, and that it has to come to this, but I hope she knows I am doing this for her, I would do anything.

Tomorrow I am able to go to a gym Carrie signed us up for, and start my orientation of the machines, hopefully this bruise doesn't hurt too bad, the swelling has gone down, and I might get a chiropractic adjustment and defintely a haircut this week. It seems I arrived at a good time as my mothers car is going to take $700 to fix a computer component and needs help driving places.

Dreams have been screwy lately, either dreaming about the cat's gross wormy butt or my wife kissing me. My last dream was talking to her in a bathroom, why a bathroom, usually is symbolic of a relationship issue or that a matter needs cleaned up. She was wearing a pink nightgown, bathroom was purple, and the bedroom was also light pinks and beige. It felt very light and healing there. I only noticed Jacob and Ariel, Jacob was getting a bath which I was helping him with, and Ariel was snuggling up to Carrie on the bed.

Carrie then came in the bathroom and was quietly looking at me smiling, then started talking. She first just said "I know what you plan to do, and I hope you don't have to." To which I said "If this does not change soon, I don't think I can take anymore, I tried to hang in there." I then said "I thought you were back, but it looks like you are still healing, this reminds me of my old house in lake Meade." To which she replied "Yes, I felt comfortable here, it reminds me of when we first got together, before life happened to us, before all the problems when we were both happy." To which I said "Yea, I guess it does, I haven't dreamed of this house in a long time."
She replied, "Because I brought you here, I created this." I then said "Well if you brought me here, I thought you were not appearing to me anymore. "I stopped coming because we saw the effect it had on you and how much pain it was causing, and I began to see in reality the harm he was causing between us for a short time. Remind me that I have free choice, but my choice is affecting negatively others lives, and not giving them a choice."

She paused for a moment as Jacob was splashing water at us both getting our feet wet. Then said "Don't leave, don't give into anger and leave, I'm sorry, I know I don't admit but I need you there, at least don't leave for the kids." To which I said "I don't want to. But I have tried everything, I need you back, I can't do this alone, I need love I need for this trial to be over, and if the negativity isn't removed I gotta go." "But I didn't leave you, for 8 years I stood by and sacrificed for you." To which I said "True, but if you loved me that much to sacrifice so much for me, why did you leave me now when I was finally happy again, why now when I need you the more than ever." To which she said "I'm sorry, I didn't mean for this to happen, only God knows why?" To which I said "Then why, why isn't God answering me?" She then began kissing me and then I was awakened by Carrie, telling me about her dreaming about a giant toad in a cave trying to grab her with its big tongue.

Well guess what, that cave was really a bathroom, and that toad was really Todd, and that tongue was just me trying to kiss her, but apparently she must be wearing ugly glasses! Take the foggy glasses from your eyes and see that I am not really an ugly toad, I was not trying to grab you or swallow you whole, I just wanted a little kissy. Take them off and see me for who I really am! A being of love and light who has nothing but unconditional love for you. I am not slimy or bumpy and I won't pee on you. Just kiss me and I'll turn into my true self. Oh wait, thats frogs ain't it.

"No you're cheesy!"

I love you Carrie, and make sure the kids know I love them too.

Goodnite.

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