Stage 4

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4. Depression. We start to feel numb and turn into zombies. Our anger and sadness may still be there but remains hidden and masquerades as a depressed state. We barricade ourselves in our home or apartment, close the drapes, and refuse to get out of bed. We call in sick at work and cancel plans with friends. We only answer the phone in hopes that it may be 'them' calling, and when we discover it's not them the cycle begins all over again. In order to break the cycle you need to reach Stage 5.

Stages that I have been going through pretty exact.
http://www.relationshipjourney.com/divstage.html

That sums up my state right now. I'm bored, don't know what to do with myself, just as quiet as I was before I was healed, have I regressed or is it just similar? How long will this last. For me the depression lasted for years between relationship. Hopefully the spring cheers me up - this winter is taking too long. I just hope this depression does not affect my clients I have to massage, as I noticed the other day the girl I worked on felt "sick" afterwards but that may have just been due to toxins being released.

I am sure others must notice it lately as people seem to not say much to me or invite me any where at school, and I find myself sitting alone at lunch lately.

But at least from reading that website above, I know what I am going through is completely normal reactions, and I am not "creepy."

Although, I am not sure if I ever want a relationship again, its too much work and has brought far too much pain into my life. Although I would very much enjoy like anyone else, someone to cuddle with, touch me, appreciate me when I come home, miss me when I'm gone, share their inner thoughts with me instead of hiding them in a book or confiding in someone else. I've been rejected and hurt so many times in this life, but I never thought she would. I just hope I can move beyond like this article claims people do.

I just want to be liked for who I am, not who I will be a year from now, if you can't like me for who I am then you never will, if you can't see me as the love that I am now, your eyes will never open, just because I may someday move on, have a good job, be independant, lose weight, and become self-confident will not change who I am. I will always be Todd.

I've been working for days on trying to fix a free laptop a friend gave me. I update their website, so they said if I can fix it, I can keep it. It was real nice to do, its worth over 1000 I'm sure since original retail value 2 years ago was 2400. A Dell Inspirion 8200, with DVD, Cd-burner, 15 high-res screen, nice sound, the works. All its needs is video card replaced, possibly a new hard drive and defintely a new battery last.

I'm still working out at the gym with Carrie, and my muscles are sore again, but I can tell I am getting slightly stronger, the massaging at school is helping too. My back has not hurt as much lately so I must be getting better at my standing. My tailbone and knees still hurt though.

My wife is starting to show improvements after three weeks, I can tell she is thinning out in her face and backside ;) Hopefully she keeps it up. Then she won't blend into the furniture as much ;P

Todd

Comments

  1. AnonymousMarch 24, 2006 at 8:05 PM

    I blend into the furniture??? What?? are you saying that I look like a piece of furniture?? Okay, I'm not feeling nice about myself now :o( Unhappy face, unhappy face. :o)

    ReplyDelete
  2. Todd JumperMarch 24, 2006 at 8:07 PM

    But a very comfortable piece of furniture ;) Just something I read somewhere that once couples are around each other for so long they treat each other like furniture, so it will be nice to see a change.

    ReplyDelete
  3. AnonymousMarch 25, 2006 at 3:02 AM

    I don't want to be furniture!!! I want to be a cutie pie again :)

    ReplyDelete
  4. Todd JumperMarch 25, 2006 at 6:50 AM

    Then you have suceeded, you are a cutie pie ;) But I guess that space between the legs will be a plus.

    ReplyDelete

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