Sat. 11/9/2019

Bored. Lonely and sad. Headache. No one to talk to and the person I need the most, I've cut out of my life.

I've been sick all day with a migraine.  Blood pressure up.  Took a walk today down town. In a daze. Had lunch alone. I am usually with her on the weekends, second weekend without her.  Her last words to me, that I was scum.  My last words to her were that I loved her, take care of herself, love herself and her baby.

Room mate been vaping all day - smells bad - making headache worse. 

I am trying to get better.. but each day the pain is worse, the longing - the constant struggle in my mind not to contact her.  I can't see how she is. I can't see her facebook.   I log onto my Ps4.. to see if she is playing any games.. she has not been on in a week.    She may be trying to move on.  Looking for a new guy perhaps. But I know and I feel she is hurting.

I have to constantly remind myself how draining it was, how stressful it was, even though she needed me and claimed to love me.  I am still drained, that did not change, in fact I feel even worse now - despite the stress. I had her. I had her hand in mine.  That evening I left her, but that morning we lay in bed in each others arms and told each other we loved each other.  That day earlier in the car, I leaned over to kiss her. I missed, she laughed and said kiss me right. We tried again, this time my mouth open too much.. she giggled and said ok just come here, grabbed my face, and she kissed me a third time, I touched her face and she smiled and we looked in each other's eyes.

Yet. Only hours later. I would be leaving her, telling her our friendship was over for good. Because I was getting yelled at all because a friend texted "Hi." She began accusing me of cheating with a person 3,000 miles away.  Accusing me of deleting messages of flirtation that did not exist.  This was first time in months this person texted me and only because I recently reached out to apologize for saying mean things, trying to be the better person.

I couldn't take the heartache anymore of loving someone with all my heart, only to be put down and treated as if I was doing something that I would never do to anyone.  I am not a sexually driven being, but one of love and giving.


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