Somewhere In Time

... well I thought I was moving on but I must have had a mental relapse over the weekend.. but it seemed to be some type of spiritual emotional release.. Either that or I time traveled, lets just say it was a very vivid memory..

As my current situation goes, currently in middle of divorce. This experience I had during sleep, is similar to others I have had over the past year or so, but nothing this intense, every time I thought about it I started crying, in fact almost wrecked in the rain last night I was so overcome with so much grief.

10 years ago. I am pulling up outside her apartment. I just helped her move in a week or so before. I see her look out through the curtain, she is waiting anxiously for me. I have the letter she just wrote me sitting in my passenger seat. She signed it "Your eternal companion."

I walk to the door and she opens it up with the biggest smile on her face. I am saying to myself in my mind, "Turn back now, this isn't real."

But everything feels right, seems real. I think I am awake, but I also have a full knowledge of the present.

She seems so happy to see me, even put on makeup, light blue eye shadow, and she smells good as she pulls me close. We sit down on the couch and talk for the longest time. The kids are gone for the weekend and we have it all to ourselves.

She asks me whats wrong, why I don't seem as happy to see her. I tell her, I don't want to hurt you, I want this to last forever, but I know it doesn't. I've seen the future and you leave me in it.

She looks at me and says I could never leave you I love you too much, I've never loved anyone so much, how can you accuse me of doing this.

I drop the discussion and just enjoy the rest of my time with her, everything seemed real, its as if I was given one last opportunity to relive that day.

Later we are laying in bed together, and she is stroking my hair and singing to me, although she has changed the lyrics a bit. She tells me every time she hears the song she thinks of me, and that this song is for me.

"If you could only see the way he loves me
Then maybe you would understand
Why I feel this way about our love
And what I must do
If you could only see how blue his eyes can be when she says
When he says he loves me..."

I then start crying and say this hurts too much. I am sorry I hurt you. But you do leave me in the future and its more than I can bear.

She urges me not to leave, and says just hold onto my letter.

I am sucked back to reality 10 years later with my 5 year old waking me up to watch TV.

I go to the bathroom and break down. Later that day I returned the letter to her that sat on my empty passenger seat.

I feel like I am stuck in an alternate reality...