DREAM: Visit from Great-grandma

Dream and inspiration from Wednesday night (woke from Thursday morning)

I am writing this dream down to the best of my memory, and allowing spirit to come through me and give me the rest. I am sure there is more here than what was in the dream but the basic message of it is intact.

During the past week I was on trial separation from Carrie so that she would see what it would be like without me there, and hopefully come to a conclusion about what she wanted. Although at first I did not want to leave, a week of self reflection probably did better for me, despite the living arrangement wasn't the best, waking up to smoke every morning. As long as I kept myself occupied or talking to my grandmother or family I seemed ok, but as soon as I was alone I became sad, would pace back and forth, couldn't sleep well, would sit and stare out windows, during those times I thought about what I would do if she chose to just be friends and if I could deal with that. Scenarios constantly ran through my head, could I make it without her in my life, would she really be gone, no not physically, but emotionally not attached to me like she used to be. Could I go it alone, would I really be alone, she's my best friend, the only person who really understands me, she would always just be a phone call away, but I want to be married to her, I love her, I feel she completes me, I feel it every time I look at her, but why am I so sad, when I look at her picture I start crying, when I am away from her I start crying, but no one else is having this problem.

I talk to her online and I feel she is in a great mood but I'm miserable and miss her, does she miss me at all? She's telling me how well the kids are doing, how well she is doing, am I that bad of a person that the minute I leave everyone's life became better, what was I doing that made her so miserable?

During the week I keep seeing butterflies before my eyes, twice when I was getting my haircut, another time in the computer room, another time going to bed. I had to rub my eyes but still saw them in my vision, usually purple, and spirit told me they represented release, and rebirth.

So I pray at night asking please allow the right thing to happen, give me the strength to pull through whatever she decides, I feel with all the love in my heart that we are meant to stay a couple, a family so why does she feel differently? What is right, what is wrong. Give me the answers, I am tired of the confusion, I am tired of not understanding what it is about me that is stressing her out so bad, she got what she asked for but still something is wrong with me, what is it? Why are women so confusing, when they get what they asked for they still want something else? Why wait til I was healed to choose a different path? How is that fair, why did it happen, please I just want answers so I know how to move on, so I know what is right, so I know how to let go if that's what I need to do.

That night I had a dream I was living in a new house, it was much bigger and looked like a log home from the inside. Company was coming over and I was trying to get the house cleaned up, Ariel and Jacob just got out of the bath running down the stairs naked into the new play room where toys were a mess. Someone was at the door and I ran into the foyer to answer it, and it was my grandmother's sister, why she was there in my dream I don't know, but I suppose somehow her energy came through since gma was talking about her marriage problems.

She said years ago when her husband left her, she couldn't function and lost 30 pounds and people thought she was going to die, and I was thinking, would that happen to me, am I that co-dependent on Carrie that would happen? I shook my head and refused to believe that could happen, I am stronger than that. And in the dream Aunt Francais got mad at me and said do something about your wild kids and get your life straightened out or I will do it for you. I said "If you don't like the way I raise my kids, you can leave my house right now." To which she did.

Then Carrie came in from the kitchen and as my usual dreams are lately, she had lost weight, and had a more youthful appearance, and though the dream seemed to me taking place in a future setting, kids were older, I felt older, I felt that in the dream Carrie and I both had sucessful careers, and people were coming to see our new house, if I had to guess, the kids looked at least 3 years older, it was a beautiful house, and I could tell Carrie had a lot to do with the design of it, I even saw some of her symbol designs up on the walls of the playroom and angels she drew to watch over the kids.

At another point in the dream my deceased grandmother showed up and wanted to talk to me about my current situation and asked if Carrie would come into the den at a couch and sit and talk about things.

Gma Thompson smiled and said "Todd, you just need to be thankful for what you have, don't be sad. I lived with Frank for over 10 years before we eventually realized we loved each other and got married and it wasn't long after we both passed away. So understand if she didn't love you, you would have been out of the house long ago. I knew this was possible, its why I came to her and asked "are you good enough for my grandson." because I am the only one of few who saw this coming down the road, but I encourage you to be thankful. Look at yourself, why are you so sad, have you truly lost anything? You have three beautiful kids, you have a lovely home, you are still married to a great person despite how she feels, you can still be happy together, its all in how you perceive your relationship. Both of your perceptions only need to be changed, to where overnight stress can be turned to joy and its all a matter of perception. You can live together and be miserable or you can live together and enjoy each others company, its up to you both."

Carrie then said "Well I feel so stressed not because of how I am treated but because of what he expects, and I feel as if he is trying to control my path to make him happy and he can't be happy unless I choose a path he has laid out for me. I just want the stress to go away, and I do want Todd to be happy, I don't mean to hurt him, and though I can't say it I do love him, but he needs to open his eyes and see that what he is doing, it not bringing me closer but pushing us apart."

I asked Gma "But what do I do without my soul mate if we are pushed apart." She replied "Soul mates are never apart, no matter what trials they have, no matter how much they fight or disagree, they are always connected, always on each other's minds and always seeking each other's best interest, wheter they are married or friends, they stand the test of time, if you were not her soul mate she would have left you by now. She deep inside is still aware of that bond but because of how you act on the surface, do you realize how unattractive it is?"

"Todd, if you love her truly, don't intervene in her path. I know you want to be a good husband, a good father, what you are doing is trying to be what the old Carrie wanted. You are trying to be the man she wanted you to be for years, but you need to be what the current Carrie wants, if you truly want her to be happy, let her be what she feels she needs to be, what she needs to do, and if she truly just wants to be good friends, then be that. You do not have to stop loving her, or doing everything you wanted to do as a good husband, no one said you had to stop that if she just wants to have an intimiate friendship. But what you are doing, be aware is the same reason you lost love before, when you lost Rebecca, there was a time frame in which she sincerely was going to give you the chance and considered being your mate, but your codependency of being happy dependent on if she was in your life, telling her you were pre-destined to be together, no matter how romantic that sounded in your mind and to a lot of women, it drove her away so much that you left on bad terms, don't do this again, understand that you are strong, you are loving soul and have so much power in you to just give up because of this. We all love you and encourage you to do whatever Carrie asks of you, because believe it or not, if you can do this, there still is a very good potentional love will again develop and you will come back together, after all you are soul mates but that fact alone should not be forced on her to make a decision, soul mates need time to be separate and grow even if thats not the answer you wanted."

Carrie then said "She said it better than I could. Todd it's not how you look, it's not that I am not attracted to you, but its how I am made to feel. True, here, I love you, and I see you for who you really are, but you need to see you for what you are as well and love yourself. Be there for the kids, be that man I fell in love with, that man who I saw so much light in, so much self-confidence, that somewhere died along the way. I am truly sorry it had to happen this way, for me to cause so much pain for you but if you can do this, we will be much happier together, we may be happier together as friends then we were as married and that may even lead into a very loving relationship again, but for now you need to heal. If you love me, let me go."

Grandma then interupted and said "See be thankful again and just smile, you are not living alone or on the street, you couldn't ask for a better friend, and she is still willing to give you some!! What more could a guy ask for? Most men would love to have a woman like that with no strings attached, and you got it. All your emotions need to be released, they are illusionary, controlling and damaging. And though Carrie is not perfect, its your turn to start listening to her, no matter how much my daughter demands that Carrie better start listening to you, don't pay any mind to her bullshit! If I was still there I'd slap Kate upside the head for filling you with so many bad ideas, but her heart is in the right place and Carrie needs to forgive no matter how much of a pain in the ass she is. But Todd, its your time to shine, to grow, to become the man you were meant to be, you've moved beyond the hard part of your life. It's time to kick your butt out of the nest and learn how to fly. We can't open the cocoon you are in for you or your wings will never develop. I was showing you the butterflies. You have the potentional to be somebody great, don't let this get in the way of that. We all love you Todd."

::EOD::

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