Spring is here again :)

It's been awhile since I posted as I have not had too much to write about lately. I am glad Spring weather is finally kicking in, it seemed the cold air just wasn't going to end. I have missed the gym this week but I did get some walks in. Our instructor at school has been taking us outside to walk as well which is refreshing. I seem to be allergic to something in the school, or things in general lately stuffing me up, and causing sinus pressure. ::bleh::

I need to schedule a doctor appointment as soon as I have money for the copay. I have a lovely list of things to get checked out.

• Bad knees: My knees have been hurting worse since working out, or doing my clinics and standing in my massage posture, they crack horribly giving massage at times, and bending down on them has been painful.
• Possible allergies: sniffles, runny nose, headaches in class
• Eyes: My vision sometimes goes blurry during class when trying to read the board, then some eyepain kicks in.
• Social anxiety: been suffering from this all my life, but lately has come and gone with no control over it. I have 90 percent of symptoms of S.A.D. which is a real chemical imbalance, illness, wheter some people choose to believe that or not. If somone can explain to me how one day I can talk up a storm, walk up to a stranger and look them in the eye with confidence and then a month later get palpatations, sweats and chest pain just from talking to people.
  

Last week or so I found myself sitting in the car with my own daughter and couldn't find anything to talk about. I knew something was wrong, and its about time I get help for it instead of being made feel bad about it like I have been for several years. It has affected or rather ruined every relationship I have ever had, and now 29 years old have barely any long life friends. Though I am developing friendships at school, this anxiety chose a bad time to come back right in the middle of massage school. Yesterday I got really nervous and stressed, yet I have been giving massage for months now. It's like a switch in my head, and my marrital problems sure did not help it. When the best part of me surfaced it wasn't wanted and so now it appears to have retreated, but not fully. If I was like my "old" self I would not be in school to begin with so at least someone up there knows this was a good things for me to do.

I hope I can get things resolved, especially with my personal life. I know people feel I have ignored them for years, but I feel I have gone most of my life with hardly anyone reaching out to me besides my parents, and one of them rarely even talks to me anymore, it just seems people don't like to hang around quiet ones.

I have been doing well though with my schooling, I have no complaints. I just finished my seventh clinical massage client the other day, and so far have gotten good marks, mostly all 5's and good comments, I just need more practice on my Deep Tissue but I am sure I will get better with time. I can't wait until the day that I am getting paid for it, it will feel good to have an income, and like my wife says, "to be able to enjoy spending on the little things." To take my kids out or just being able to afford a soda at the end of the week ;P

Now that spring is here I would like to get more involved with my kids somehow besides having them run around the house all winter, if its just taking walks with them or playing outside. A lady came up to me in school the other day and asked about my kids and looked me in the eye and told me, "No matter what happens to you, remember your kids, they are the most important thing that ever came into your life, enjoy them while they are young." So I just took that as what I needed to hear right now. I sure have been focused very much on my own emotions lately, and am trying instead to focus on the wellness of others. Perhaps that's just the reason I am here, to try to make others happy, even if I am not, but maybe along the way that will make me happy.

I took a walk alone the other day because sitting meditating has not been working lately because I seem to be too agitated or can't keep focus, so taking a walk seemed to help clear my thoughts. At one point it felt as it an energy held my hand and a voice in my head told me to stay strong, but instead it just made me emotional because I desired a physical hand to be walking with me, not behind me, not in front of me but beside me, but whatever spirit was there assured me that I was not alone.

I enjoy going to school, picking on girls in class, learning new things. I am finally doing well at something, and hope I can continue to do well. I just need to get these health problems taken care of soon or they may interfere with that progress.

Though my wife was in pain recently too, and glad she's starting to feel better. Her and I were goofing off a week ago, in the kitchen, hands intertwined pushing each other. And then "snap! crackle pop!" No the rice crispy elves didn't show up, her pinky finger gave out and broke. Bent sideways a little. I felt so bad the rest of the day, and had to leave for clinic and leave her at home crying, talk about guilt. Giving a massage wasn't particulary easy that day, but the person seemed to feel good anyway (I just did not mention to the client I just broke a finger while massaging their hands)

Money has been tight for her too and a major stresser as well her job has been very stressful. So she has decided to clean up and sell our house. I was hoping I would be able to eventually bring in a second income to help keep the house, because it is nice and I had been looking forward to raising my kids here but if the stress is too much what can you do? I am sure kids can be happy wherever they live as long as they have loving parents and their needs are met, I may feel bad about taking them from their friends but they are still young enough to develop new ones.

Well that's what's been on my mind lately. If I don't write again soon, then Happy Easter ;)

Goodnite.
Todd